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Growing While Black

March 10, 2021

I recently reflected on my personal and professional development growth with one of my colleagues. I went over my 2018 professional goals and was pleased that despite a heavy workload I had accomplished quite a bit. I also acknowledged and expressed concerns about the sustainability of the pace.

Over the weekend, I started replaying the conversation over in my head. Something hadn’t felt ‘right’ in the conversation but I had brushed it off at the time. In my gut, I started to feel like my reflections of my goals and my work fell short of some secret expectation. Clearly, I had been unable to tap into my discontent at the time of the conversation but the truth of the exchange was no less important after the fact.

As a Black woman, working with mostly white people I have learned that the rules I need to know are never explicitly stated. Like, I don’t need to know about PTO and dress codes. Those are written in the handbook. I do need to know how unspoken rules about when to take time off and what attire is actually acceptable.

I quickly learned that those unspoken rules were actually things to change so I could be more like my white peers. The message = stand out less, blend in more. The senders of the message have been white women, white men, and Black men. Honestly, I even get it from myself.

You talked too much in the meeting [from a Black male corporate partner]

You ask too many questions? Why can’t you just trust me [from a romantic partner]

You apologize too much. [ from a white woman executive]

You should not say ‘if I can be honest’ because it negates everything you’ve said before. [from a Black male community leader]

You really shouldn’t say anything because they might think you’re not a team player. [from ME]

Yes, all of these leaders have gone through professional development that makes them feel confident that they are giving me sound advice. And, sometimes they could be right. But what I realized in my conversation is that rarely do I get any constructive feedback, just tips on how to not be too much/smart/vocal/strong/ etc.

Real talk: none of them has walked in my shoes as a Black woman so they have zero understanding of the tools I use to navigate my professional and personal lives.

Truth: As a Black woman, I have spent a ridiculous amount of time thinking about my words and actions.

This year, I decided to not do put as much emotional labor into thinking so much about what I would say and how I come across. I realized that the stress of that labor was having a negative impact on my mental and physical health. Instead, I looked inward this year and focused on my personal development. And I still had a dope year professionally! While I appreciate the acknowledgments of my peers, I am personally noting the things I did that I know contributed to my overall success:

I took vacations;
I was healthy this year and did not need to take any sick days;
I showed up more consistently for my BestSisters;
I maintained boundaries with loved ones about where I spend my time and money;
I kept up with my planner;
I made time to write;
I more regularly went to bed before midnight;
I stopped trying to fix things before/unless being asked for support;
I proactively sought more outward-facing (i.e. public speaking) opportunities; and
I said ‘no’ when I meant it.

I have not been perfect in any of these 10 areas.

And still I rose…

I showed up for ME in 2018.

I was afraid of letting people down.

I was oftentimes reluctant to be more bold.

And yet I moved…

I still have a LOT of work to do on ME. I’m proud to say that for the first time in a long time I have the emotional bandwidth to think about me. Next year is going to mean big changes for me personally and professionally. Once you see the possibility of freedom, you cannot go back.

The overarching theme of my growth this year was dismantling whiteness. I put down the mantle of whiteness – in my career and my personal life. However, I still struggle to not be defined by whiteness. Thankfully, I am more fully able to walk as a Black woman in all spaces of my life. I am not cowering to hide my Blackness in all its forms.

I no longer have to explain myself. I am no longer chasing the ever-moving target of approval. I can continue to do an excellent job while also serving my community and showing up for my family in healthy ways. I do not have to justify when, how, and why service to others fills my bank to overflowing. And I can do all of that while being Blackity Black.

I’m curious, how are you growing while Black? What are you learning about yourself?

kelli

Working While Black: Truth-Telling

February 28, 2021

One of the greatest legacy’s we leave folks who come after us is to tell the truth. Truth telling comes at a cost. For some, telling the truth cost them their jobs. Others were moved to the promotion ‘slow track’ or ‘disappeared’ (i.e. still employed but overlooked by leaders in power).

Often when giving presentations, people say ‘you are so brave’ or ‘that was really courageous.’ I used to brush the comments off. I mean who wants to constantly face the reality that telling the truth = brave in their industry? That was a hard thing to make peace with.

After a while, I started getting annoyed. This bravery was putting me at risk personally and professionally. For a long time, I felt alone. Sadly, I was one of millions.

Unfortunately, I learned that when working while Black, our truths are not seen as organizational and institutional realities to be changed. Instead, our experiences individualized and exceptionalized.

This is a solidarity post for all my sisters.

I See You GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY — via GIPHY

So I curated the list below to bear witness to the voices of Black women and other women of color who felt safe enough to share the truth about their experiences working in white spaces.

Please take care of yourself as you read/watch the information shared on this page. If you have a physical reaction, consider stopping to do some breath or bodywork to release the tension before you continue. I’m dropping the link to one of my favorite practices to help. If you decide need to take a break, close the document or tab until continuing feels right.

I will update this post as I run across content that will make this list more robust. If you have contributions you think I should add, leave them in the comments below or email them to me (at) iamkelli.com.

Resources

Articles & Blog Posts

Books & Reports

Podcasts

Videos

If you’ve made your way through this list of resources, I hope you felt connected to the power these leaders used to create change. So, as you think about your own leadership and how to show up in your organization, consider tapping into what these badass women left for you.

I’ll leave you with this reminder: we got us! Hang in there.

Black @ Work: Black History Month 2021

February 1, 2021

We have the unique experience of living through the first Black History Month during a global pandemic that is simultaneously situated in a moment of racial unrest. What a time to be alive?!

As a leader in social change work for more than twenty years, it still amazes me how isolated Black folx are in their organizations. Nonprofit. Philanthropy. Corporate. Our stories are consistently the same. As a coach to Black women, I see the themes each session – feeling invisible on their team all the way to being surveilled from the time they walk in the building. And so on and so on…

As you walk into work on February 1st of any year, but especially this year, the company likely has a program planned for this month. I mean, many of them wrote their statements in support of Black lives seven short months ago. You can definitely expect a speech by a good Black person who can tell an awesome boot-straps story. Or one who talks about adversity but expresses extreme gratitude for the white ally who helped them along the way. You won’t likely get a Black person who has political and organizational safety to tell the truth about what it’s really like to work at your organization. So, you are likely bracing yourself for the all-company meetings and webinars.

Do not despair! Amidst all the platitudes, I wanted to share some actionable nuggets to get you through February and the rest of the year. Things that will help you take steps toward change without you having to quit your job. Here are a few that came to mind:

B – Be clear with yourself about how/if you want to lead on equity, inclusion, and belonging in your organization.

L – Look up your organization’s stated values. Read & study them. Know them.

A – Ask HR about promotion, retention, and recruitment data of Black people at your organization.

C – Calendar weekly time to read something related to Black leaders in your field. If nothing has been written, reach out for a conversation with an elder in the field.

K – Keep track of your career growth and promotion timeline at the organization. How does your growth compare to the retention data HR shared? Are there any areas of concern you have avoided addressing?

H – Have clear career goals you want to work toward over the next 1-3 years.

I – Initiate a conversation with your supervisor about those goals and how they can support you in accomplishing them.

S – Seek out leaders you respect to see if they have capacity to be your mentor.

T – Take a look at the bios of the senior leadership and board of your organization. What values do they bring to organization? Are they helping the organization live into the stated values? Or even take the values deeper?

O – Outline an intentional plan on what you will bring and receive from a relationship with a (future) mentor.

R – Review your organization’s diversity goals and matrix for evaluating their progress. If they don’t exist, ask HR about any plans to put some in place.

Y – Yearn for change by refusing to stay the ‘first or only’ for long.

M – Mentor a junior staff-person or a young person who is not yet in the field. Being a mentor is humbling and will let you know what to look for in your mentor.

O – Observe the experience Black people are having in your organization and your industry. Do not turn a blind eye.

N – Never put yourself at (career, political, etc) risk if the cost is not one you can/want to pay. If internal moves put you in jeopardy you can likely find ways to organize from outside the organization via Black professional associations affiliated with your sector.

T – Think of ways to work with other leaders to positively impact the culture at your organization so that Black staff thrive.

H – Honor your time by making sure you check back in with this list throughout the year to see how things are progressing at the individual, departmental, and organizational level.

I hope something on this list inspires you create change where you are this Black History Month.

kelli

I Won’t Go Back: What I’m Carrying Forward into 2021

December 23, 2020

Maaaaan, 2020 kicked my ass. In the I-started-a-new-workout-so-I’m-sore type of way. Somehow during the most devastating year of my generations collective life I have managed to be ok.

Yes, this year has been full of pain, suffering, and death. However, this year of physical distance from outsiders has also given me the gift of being at home. As an introvert I have not missed outside AT ALL. I don’t miss unsolicited hugs from huggers or driving an hour each way to get to a 30-minute meeting.

I haven’t been at home like this since the mid-2000s. Working from home showed me a lot of things I could not see before because I was moving so fast. Always in a car or on an airplane. At home, even being on Zoom most of the day, I can see my new coworkers (aka my husband, daughter, and dog). I hear them ~~being loud~~ in the kitchen…or on their own work calls. I feel the vibration of our family text thread (that includes our son) with a link to some random TikTok.

Even though I do not mind being in the house, those early days of knowing the world was on fire metaphorically and literally was hard. I certainly didn’t think I would be in a goodish headspace at the end of the year. But here I am. In a better place than I have been in a long time. I have no idea how that happened and I do not take it for granted. I am so, so grateful.

Quarantine started off shaky. I did not want to work from home. I was one of the last people to pack up and leave the office. During the first two months of quarantine I drank too much and spent too much time reading the news. Thanks to my best friend, somewhere around May I reconnected with girlfriends from college. We started having weekly Zoom kee-kee-fests where we would talk about work, relationships, and challenge each other to get back to practicing self-care. Without pressure, I felt accountable to find my footing and soon enough I was walking every day. Collective care was/is been a gift I didn’t know I wanted/needed.

When George Floyd was murdered at the end of May, I was clear that something IN ME had shifted. I didn’t have the words for what was happening but something shifted for me professionally as well. I started declining meetings when my calendar looked too full. Next, I decided that unless unavoidable I was going to stop having back-to-back Zoom meetings. Then I went rogue and deleted the one-hour meeting option from my online scheduler. I mean, surely whatever someone wanted to say to me could be done in 30 minutes, right?! I even started making time during my workday for my walks and NAPS! Y’all, who have I become??

All of these changes happened gradually, over the summer and through the fall. These days instead of blindly saying yes, I have a little voice in my gut that reminds me to check in with it before responding. I started asking myself, why was it ever a good idea to be in back-to-back meetings? Is there another way to show I am engaged in a meeting without having my video on all day? What criteria should I revisit before saying ‘yes’ to a meeting? Is my job to be on every committee asked of me or the ones where my leadership is needed?

By making these changes I was able to move at a pace that allowed me to be intentional. To think.

I won’t go back.

I can’t.

Don’t be mistaken, my work is still intense and I have a long way to go in terms of right-sizing my workload and workday. But I’ve seen a new way of being and leading and I want more of it. As the saying goes, ‘once you see, you can’t unsee.’ I want regular time to vision and strategize. I want to spend less time with people who want to talk and sound important and more time with folks putting it all on the line to make life/work/community better.

I am learning to decenter the doing and embrace being. Being is enough, y’all. I’ve said it for years but now I’m living like I believe it! If I can be myself you will see my expertise. I don’t have to work as hard as I have been to show my knowledge, skills, etc. You know that thing that happens when you are the only Black woman in the room and folks act like you’re not there. When you say ‘yes’ to the committee/board/commission because you would be the first/only and it’s important for Black folx to ‘be at the table.’

I’m not playing the game anymore. I want something more for career. My legacy is not going to be reacting to whiteness and its norms. I’ve been doing that for twenty dayum years.

So, as I hear people in distress saying they are longing to go back to life before COVID, I actually get nervous. What I was doing before was not working for me. The way I moved in the world was not serving me well. I ain’t going back.

As I think about 2021 and what it holds, I am looking forward to the renewed life I am building. I’ll get there by:

Saying no to things that don’t serve me, my people, or my community
Having more dates with people I love
Feeling more, numbing less
Only doing work that grounds me
Being paid what I’m worth
Taking more VACATIONS
Reading, writing, and crafting
Reconnecting with my ancestors
Spending less time sitting in traffic
Coaching YOU