Kelli King-Jackson, ACC

Coaching for Black women leading in white spaces.

Black at Work

5 Ways to Maintain Your Emotional Intelligence When You’re Triggered AF

By now, you know I’m passionate about emotional intelligence (EQ) as an essential skill for all leaders of humans (animals too!) Having a high EQ requires some intentionality to maintain because unlike IQ, your EQ is not fixed.  Since EQ is impacted by the things we experience in our lives and leadership, we must be mindful (not demure, maybe cutesy) about it. 

You may be navigating how toxic U.S. politics are spilling over into your work environment; or you abruptly had your job duties change because of how the attacks on diversity, equity and inclusion is being addressed in your organization. Maintaining your emotional intelligence are key to helping you lead with confidence and keep your emotional well-being in a good place.  If you’re struggling, here’s how to get started:

First, ask yourself these five questions:

1. Self-Perception – Do you internally question your value or abilities (a.k.a. feel like an imposter) or go out of your way to make it clear you’re qualified for your role?

2. Self-Expression – Are you less comfortable expressing your opinions around anything that could be perceived to be connected to race or social justice at work, even when it’s relevant to the conversation? 

3. Interpersonal – Has the lack of psychological safety left you feeling distant or disconnected from others?

4. Decision Making – Have challenges in your organization created tensions between staff that make it harder for you to make decisions?

5. Stress Management – Are you finding it more difficult to manage your stress or stay calm given the state of the world?

Look at your responses.  What surprised you? What concerned you? What made you feel great? 

1. Identify Your Emotions

You can feel hard things.  The idea that emotions have no place at work or in leadership is not useful. You’re a human being.  You have feelings.  What we want is for you to actually tap into those feelings so they don’t take over how you show up as a leader.  Check out this great feelings wheel, especially if you a feelings dodger or an earth sign (often confused with not expressing emotion). If you find yourself in the xx part of the wheel, consider keeping a list or journal to track how certain experiences impact your mood and decision-making.

2. Practice Active Listening

Active listening is a skill most of us need to work on, especially post-pandemic as we lead in environments that have rapidly changed.  Active listening includes paying attention to what is said and unsaid.  When in conversations, focus not only on the words but the emotions behind them.  Make sure to ask questions and avoid making assumptions about what you think you’re hearing. 

3. Strengthen Your Self-Expression

Let’s be real.  Everyone cannot handle all of you and what you think!  You need a safe space to express your emotions authentically without fear of judgment (eh-hem…schedule your next session if you’re not on the calendar). This helps you practice speaking your truth in tough situations so you can then show up at work in a way that keeps you safe.  Sometimes y’all out here verbal vomiting and saying the the truth you see in a space that cannot hold it. 

4. Manage Stress with Mindfulness

According to positive psychology (PQ), we need about 10 seconds to reroute neurons when our Saboteurs are activated. Mindfulness helps you create new neural pathways. You can use mindfulness to pause when you’re being controlling or hyper vigilant about something. Basically, when your mind is taking control, pause long enough to get back in your body. Shift the energy so you can remain clear-headed and not get flustered or overwhelmed. As someone who hates to meditate, I had to find mindfulness tools that worked for me.  My practice of choice is tapping (current clients can access the tapping resources in our coaching resources board).  Find a practice that you can use before your (work) triggers get you activated.

5. Build a Support Network

Finding community can be hard for Black women leading in white spaces. Sometimes it’s the organizational culture or politics. Other times, it’s finding a leader who understands your experience as a Black woman and who is not intimidated by you. Some of y’all have just had really toxic experiences so you rather keep to yourself. Isolation is a tool of dominate culture. When leaders are isolated, the head noise can be exceptionally loud. You need community. I said it. You need people to lead well. You need their perspectives and their pushback. Their support and their challenge. Surrounding yourself with like-minded individuals creates a strong professional and emotional support system. If you’ve been nervous about connecting with other leaders, check out sone of our small groups as a way to ease into a network.

If you’re ready to join a small group with Black women in leadership who are thriving, fill out our intake form.

Ready to take your EQ development to the next level? Schedule an EQ-i 2.0 assessment for yourself or your team today and start your journey toward more empowered leadership!

How Life and Leadership Experiences Shape Emotional Intelligence for Black Women

As Black women, our life and leadership experiences can be filled with unique challenges that profoundly shape our emotional intelligence (EQ). Overt racism, microaggressions, being over-educated but grossly underpaid, being the first and only at work AND in the family, paying the Black tax, and the list goes on. These experiences can impact how we see ourselves, relate to others, and navigate the spaces where we lead.

EQ and the Lived Experiences of Black Women

Here’s how our lived experiences influence key aspects of EQ and why it’s crucial for our leadership and personal growth:

1. Self-Perception: Navigating Identity and Confidence

Being a Black woman in leadership often means being one of the few, if not the only, in the room. This leads us to feel like imposters and affects how we perceive our value and capabilities. Microaggressions (I call them aggressions. IYKYK…), tone-policing, and the pressure to out-perform can negatively impact our self-regard and how we see ourselves. We have to face these feelings and affirm our worth by telling our own selves and each other that our presence and voice are important.

2. Self-Expression: The Power of Authenticity

Now you know I don’t believe in bringing our whole selves to work, but I do think we can be authentic. It can feel tricky having to navigate between being true to ourselves and conforming to expectations in our organizations and on our teams. The need to constantly monitor our tone and presentation can stifle authentic self-expression and lead to a lot of self doubt. It’s vital to have spaces where we can express our emotions and thoughts freely, knowing that our perspectives are valid and necessary. This is the main reason I built my practice for US.

3. Interpersonal Relationships: Building Meaningful Connections

As leaders, building strong, trusting relationships is key. This can be difficult when we are the one of the few or only. Or if we’re in a space where we don’t have any clear allies. This may require us to go out on a risk and extend a measure of trust to someone new to us. One way we can step outside of our comfort zones is to open up and try building rapport with folks who are potential supporters. This might mean joining a leadership program, or expressing interest in a new role. Those who take an interest in your development are a great place to start building connections in a way that is meaningful to your career.

4. Decision Making: Balancing Emotion and Logic

The archetype of Black women as superwomen has harmed us in so many ways. One in particular is that we carry unnecessary weight at home, in community, and at work. Being able to balance all of those things can influence our decision-making processes in negative ways. Can you say bandwidth?! Sometimes logic gets in the way or emotion and vice versa. Building your emotional intelligence can help you make decisions that are strategic and aligned with your values and in the best interest of the wellbeing of you and those you lead.

5. Stress Management: I got this…Sort of

Check out how my life life-in impacted my EQ and then read the tips below that helped me get back on track.

How to get your EQ back to a healthy a zone

  • Acknowledge your emotions: It’s okay to admit when things are tough. Acknowledging your feelings is not a sign of weakness but a step towards healing and strength. Call and make that therapy appointment, sis!
  • Seek community and support: Lean on other Black women who understand your journey. Get you a mentor, join one of our coaching groups, or check in with your sister circle. You have to have safe spaces to process and be supported.
  • Be a boundary boss: Tell the truth. You’re a boss about everyone and everything except for you. Stop it! It’s time to (re)commit to protecting your time, energy, and peace. If it’s not a HELL YES, then it needs to be a HELL NO. Prioritizing your needs and capacity can no longer be negotiable. Lay down the guilt and get free of things that are no longer allowing you to be your best self.
  • Invest in YOU: The same way you invest in your partner, kids, nieces and nephews, and mama is the way you need to invest in yourself. Save some time on your calendar for things that bring you joy, peace, and connection. Doing so is essential for your mental and emotional health.
  • Be a hope dealer: Yes, the world continues to shit on Black women. But that doesn’t mean we have to sit in it. Let’s embrace an afro-futurist mindset that imagines a world where were are valued, respected, and protected. If we focus on what we’re building vs. what has been, we bring hope to ourselves and the world around us.

Emotional intelligence is a journey, not a destination. It is not fixed. So wherever you are today does not mean you have to stay there. I’m working on me based on my results. I’m feeling better than I have in a long time. That doesn’t mean the difficulty has left. t means I’ve refocused my energy to what will serve and heal me so I can show up as the leader I aspire to be.

Having a healthy EQ to inform our leadership is a powerful way to show up for ourselves and our communities. By nurturing our emotional intelligence, we not only lead more effectively but also live more authentically. I hope you’ll join me on the journey.

You can book an EQ-i 2.0 assessment here on the site.

Black at Work: Claiming Your Role as a Philanthropic Leader

Years back, I shared my first giving memory. It was of collecting quarters for the missions ministry at my church. I remember the hardback blue quarter holder with a slot for each coin to be tucked neatly into. I felt pride turning in my full holder, of my time in church and watching my family serve their community. We were philanthropists – givers of resources, time and talent.

Fast forward 40 years, and I have helped give away a lot of money. Some of it was through my job at a private foundation, some through committee work and some through my own wealth. Some of my giving as been formal, as in directly donating to nonprofit organizations, and some of it has been episodic buying books for family members in college or paying rent for someone going through a hard time. I’ve also volunteered time by sitting on boards of directors or serving on search committees. As you read this you may be thinking to yourself, I do those things too, but you still do not identify as a philanthropist. I’m going to offer seven reasons to change your mind.

  1. Philanthropy does not belong to the rich. In the U.S., the public narrative around philanthropy was shaped by wealthy folks who thought they could ‘solve the problem’ of poverty. Their approach was much like yours and mine. Giving resources to help those need it.
  2. The rich have not solved the challenges they set out to tackle. This means, there is space for the rest of us to help create solutions that will be catalytic for our communities.
  3. Give to Black leaders not just Black recipients. It’s easy to fall into the trap of giving to organizations that serve Black people without examining their senior leadership and board. Black-led organizations only receive 2% of charitable giving. We can change that by making different investments.
  4. Black leaders experience racism too. Black nonprofit leaders experience the same (micro)aggressions from white donors that you experience at work. Just like many of you make less than your white, less educated peers, Black nonprofit leaders are given less than theirs. Black donors and Black nonprofit leaders working together is good for everyone – you, them and the communities being served.
  5. Giving is our legacy. It’s what our Big Mamas taught us, and it’s our responsibility to make sure we teach the next generation too! Our children and grandchildren only benefit from learning early to give back to others often.
  6. Black futures need your genius. You’ve excelled in your career because of the leadership and tenacity you’ve demonstrated over your careers. Black-led organizational leaders often have great ideas but don’t always have access to the expertise from other industries. Partnering with them can include both money but also technology, legal, accounting and other skilled-knowledge.
  7. Leverage your gift. Collective giving is something Black folks have always done. Today, collective giving includes employer matched giving programs and giving circles. There can be perceived and real pressure to follow the company’s giving strategy or give your resources to the company giving campaign. Don’t be afraid to ask questions about how and why your company chooses the organizations it supports.
  8. Talk about your giving. In many of our faith traditions, talking about your giving was seen as bragging, and thus frowned upon. However, we know that others are influenced by what they see. When you talk about your giving publicly as a way to invite others in, you can inspire someone to join you in making a difference.

These are just a few of many examples of philanthropic leadership. As you see, it’s about more than how much money or money at all. It’s about the human, relational, and social capital that we also bring with us. It’s also about the intentionality about how and why we give. If you’ve been giving only your money, reach out to your favorite organization and see what other ways you can support their work.

Let me know, do you see yourself as a philanthropic leader?

Recommitting to Our Leadership

In a recent LinkedIn post, I shared some questions I encourage leaders to ask themselves when recommitting to their leadership. Let’s explore them a bit more here.

  1. What needs to be renewed in you for your leadership to thrive?
    Think about what feels stale in your leadership. Are you burned out from too many commitments? Do you lack excitement for your current role? Is the state of the world or your personal life seeping into how you’re showing up as a team member or supervisor?

    People watch leaders. When your energy is low or distracted, your team will follow. If you can, reset by taking a mental health day or going on vacation. If that’s not available to you, consider a personal leadership retreat AKA go on a date with your leadership. Take your favorite journal, book, or podcast and go somewhere new (to you). Spend time remembering how you want to feel as a leader. What excites you about leading, and how can you get more of that in your weeks/days? Send a message to someone who’s team YOU, and ask them for time connect. When you meet, let them know where you’re struggling and ask them for support in a specific area or way. You don’t have to get back on track alone. Let your people show up for you.
  2. What is one thing you can do to recharge your ‘why’ for your leadership?
    I’m going to make this one simple. Each Sunday evening/Monday morning, plan a 30-minute meeting with YOSELF to map out your week. Start that session by writing out your why. This might be reading your word or mantra of the year or looking at your vision board. If you don’t have those, stop and pick a song or reading that represents who you want to be as a leader. On Friday afternoon, spend 15 minutes jotting down the highlights of your week and your lists of things for the next week. If nothing on your list is connected to your why, this ain’t the list! Having a weekly practice of connecting to your why keeps it charged, keeping it alive throughout the year.
  3. How can you refocus your attention toward your leadership goals?
    If your days have been overtaken by ineffective or outside-of-your-scope meetings, it’s time to stop the madness. First, assess why you received the invitation. Did your supervisor need you there to fill in for them? Does your direct report need feedback or encouragement? If you can get to the root of how you got invited, you can hopefully untangle yourself from future attendance.

    I know, some of y’all are in work cultures that value meetings over actual work. Even though it may feel pointless, push against the culture if you can do so safely. When you’re meeting with the person who needs to buy into you no longer attending a meeting, bring some solutions. Here are a few that might help:
    • “Can I send my Otter and then schedule a 15-minute download meeting with you?”
    • “JaNay Dones would be a great person to attend this meeting in my place; it’s a growth opportunity for them, and they are eager to learn this content area. I’ll book a time to get them caught up to speed.”
    • “This meeting is all report-outs and no action. I can help restructure the meeting and facilitate the first few to get us started. I recommend we send the reports out a day ahead and use the meeting time for strategy and decision-making. I can draft an agenda and send it to you for review before we roll out the new format to the team.”

I hope these three questions, and the examples offer practical ideas of where and how to start recommitting to your leadership. If you try one, let me know how it goes!