Kelli King-Jackson, ACC

Coaching for Black women leading in white spaces.

personal development

Growing While Black

I recently reflected on my personal and professional development growth with one of my colleagues.  I went over my 2018 professional goals and was pleased that despite a heavy workload I had accomplished quite a bit.  I also acknowledged and expressed concerns about the sustainability of the pace.   

Over the weekend, I started replaying the conversation over in my head. Something hadn’t felt ‘right’ in the conversation but I had brushed it off at the time. In my gut, I started to feel like my reflections of my goals and my work fell short of some secret expectation.  Clearly, I had been unable to tap into my discontent at the time of the conversation but the truth of the exchange was no less important after the fact.

As a Black woman, working with mostly white people I have learned that the rules I need to know are never explicitly stated. Like, I don’t need to know about PTO and dress codes. Those are written in the handbook. I do need to know how unspoken rules about when to take time off and what attire is actually acceptable.

I quickly learned that those unspoken rules were actually things to change so I could be more like my white peers. The message = stand out less, blend in more. The senders of the message have been white women, white men, and Black men.  Honestly, I even get it from myself.

You talked too much in the meeting [from a Black male corporate partner]

You ask too many questions? Why can’t you just trust me [from a romantic partner]

You apologize too much. [ from a white woman executive]

You should not say ‘if I can be honest’ because it negates everything you’ve said before. [from a Black male community leader]

You really shouldn’t say anything because they might think you’re not a team player. [from ME]

Yes, all of these leaders have gone through professional development that makes them feel confident that they are giving me sound advice.  And, sometimes they could be right. But what I realized in my conversation is that rarely do I get any constructive feedback, just tips on how to not be too much/smart/vocal/strong/ etc.

Real talk: none of them has walked in my shoes as a Black woman so they have zero understanding of the tools I use to navigate my professional and personal lives.  

Truth: As a Black woman, I have spent a ridiculous amount of time thinking about my words and actions.

This year, I decided to not do put as much emotional labor into thinking so much about what I would say and how I come across. I realized that the stress of that labor was having a negative impact on my mental and physical health. Instead, I looked inward this year and focused on my personal development. And I still had a dope year professionally! While I appreciate the acknowledgments of my peers, I am personally noting the things I did that I know contributed to my overall success:

  1. I took vacations;
  2. I was healthy this year and did not need to take any sick days;
  3. I showed up more consistently for my BestSisters;
  4. I maintained boundaries with loved ones about where I spend my time and money;
  5. I kept up with my planner;
  6. I made time to write;
  7. I more regularly went to bed before midnight;
  8. I stopped trying to fix things before/unless being asked for support;
  9. I proactively sought more outward-facing (i.e. public speaking) opportunities; and
  10. I said ‘no’ when I meant it.

I have not been perfect in any of these 10 areas. 

And still I rose…

I showed up for ME in 2018.

I was afraid of letting people down. 

I was oftentimes reluctant to be more bold.  

And yet I moved…

I still have a LOT of work to do on ME.  I’m proud to say that for the first time in a long time I have the emotional bandwidth to think about me.  Next year is going to mean big changes for me personally and professionally.  Once you see the possibility of freedom, you cannot go back.  

The overarching theme of my growth this year was dismantling whiteness. I put down the mantle of whiteness – in my career and my personal life. However, I still struggle to not be defined by whiteness. Thankfully, I am more fully able to walk as a Black woman in all spaces of my life.  I am not cowering to hide my Blackness in all its forms.

I no longer have to explain myself.  I am no longer chasing the ever-moving target of approval.  I can continue to do an excellent job while also serving my community and showing up for my family in healthy ways.  I do not have to justify when, how, and why service to others fills my bank to overflowing.  And I can do all of that while being Blackity Black.

I’m curious, how are you growing while Black? What are you learning about yourself?

kelli

I Won’t Go Back: What I’m Carrying Forward into 2021

Maaaaan, 2020 kicked my ass. In the I-started-a-new-workout-so-I’m-sore type of way. Somehow during the most devastating year of my generations collective life I have managed to be ok.

Yes, this year has been full of pain, suffering, and death. However, this year of physical distance from outsiders has also given me the gift of being at home. As an introvert I have not missed outside AT ALL. I don’t miss unsolicited hugs from huggers or driving an hour each way to get to a 30-minute meeting.

I haven’t been at home like this since the mid-2000s. Working from home showed me a lot of things I could not see before because I was moving so fast. Always in a car or on an airplane. At home, even being on Zoom most of the day, I can see my new coworkers (aka my husband, daughter, and dog). I hear them being loud in the kitchen…or on their own work calls. I feel the vibration of our family text thread (that includes our son) with a link to some random TikTok.

Club Quarantine has been my balm…

Even though I do not mind being in the house, those early days of knowing the world was on fire metaphorically and literally was hard. I certainly didn’t think I would be in a goodish headspace at the end of the year. But here I am. In a better place than I have been in a long time. I have no idea how that happened and I do not take it for granted. I am so, so grateful.

Quarantine started off shaky. I did not want to work from home. I was one of the last people to pack up and leave the office. During the first two months of quarantine I drank too much and spent too much time reading the news. Thanks to my best friend, somewhere around May I reconnected with girlfriends from college. We started having weekly Zoom kee-kee-fests where we would talk about work, relationships, and challenge each other to get back to practicing self-care. Without pressure, I felt accountable to find my footing and soon enough I was walking every day. Collective care was/is been a gift I didn’t know I wanted/needed.

When George Floyd was murdered at the end of May, I was clear that something IN ME had shifted. I didn’t have the words for what was happening but something shifted for me professionally as well. I started declining meetings when my calendar looked too full. Next, I decided that unless unavoidable I was going to stop having back-to-back Zoom meetings. Then I went rogue and deleted the one-hour meeting option from my online scheduler. I mean, surely whatever someone wanted to say to me could be done in 30 minutes, right?! I even started making time during my workday for my walks and NAPS! Y’all, who have I become??

All of these changes happened gradually, over the summer and through the fall. These days instead of blindly saying yes, I have a little voice in my gut that reminds me to check in with it before responding. I started asking myself, why was it ever a good idea to be in back-to-back meetings? Is there another way to show I am engaged in a meeting without having my video on all day? What criteria should I revisit before saying ‘yes’ to a meeting? Is my job to be on every committee asked of me or the ones where my leadership is needed?

By making these changes I was able to move at a pace that allowed me to be intentional. To think.

I won’t go back.

I can’t.

Don’t be mistaken, my work is still intense and I have a long way to go in terms of right-sizing my workload and workday. But I’ve seen a new way of being and leading and I want more of it. As the saying goes, ‘once you see, you can’t unsee.’ I want regular time to vision and strategize. I want to spend less time with people who want to talk and sound important and more time with folks putting it all on the line to make life/work/community better.

I am learning to decenter the doing and embrace being. Being is enough, y’all. I’ve said it for years but now I’m living like I believe it! If I can be myself you will see my expertise. I don’t have to work as hard as I have been to show my knowledge, skills, etc. You know that thing that happens when you are the only Black woman in the room and folks act like you’re not there. When you say ‘yes’ to the committee/board/commission because you would be the first/only and it’s important for Black folx to ‘be at the table.’

I’m not playing the game anymore. I want something more for career. My legacy is not going to be reacting to whiteness and its norms. I’ve been doing that for twenty dayum years.

So, as I hear people in distress saying they are longing to go back to life before COVID, I actually get nervous. What I was doing before was not working for me. The way I moved in the world was not serving me well. I ain’t going back.

As I think about 2021 and what it holds, I am looking forward to the renewed life I am building. I’ll get there by:

  1. Saying no to things that don’t serve me, my people, or my community
  2. Having more dates with people I love
  3. Feeling more, numbing less
  4. Only doing work that grounds me
  5. Being paid what I’m worth
  6. Taking more VACATIONS
  7. Reading, writing, and crafting
  8. Reconnecting with my ancestors
  9. Spending less time sitting in traffic
  10. Coaching YOU

kelli

Times Like These

I cannot even overstate how crazy 2018 has been both personally and professionally.  In the WORLD.  Things are so nuts I’m reading my horoscope daily.  Wearing my diffuser bracelet 24/7. And sometimes just plain scream as I listen to the news.

This past week was full of people I know and strangers alike disclosing trauma to me.  I was holding space and holding my breath each day, uncertain as to what awaited me.  

Life was a lot every day last week.  

In times like these, the best investment I can make in myself is to divest from other people, places and things. 

#realtalk

So this week I kind of checked out…    

Instead, I talked to my best sisters.  Spent time with all my children and grandchildren.  Went on a date with my husband.  It felt good to prioritize them in my day in some way.  Some days it was just a text.  Other days it was spending an hour on the phone conspiring to take over the world.

I also got back to my podcasts and General Hospital and saw the Netflix original, Nappily Ever After.

In times like these, I cannot do what others need and want me to do. 

In times like these, I have to spend intentional time alone.

In times like these, I need to put my eyes on my people.

In times like these, I need to laugh. 

In times like these, I need to send people to voicemail.

In times like these, I need to sleeeeeeeeeeep.

So, for those looking for the profound this week.  I’ve got nothing.  This week was a week that I am grateful to have survived.  

Here’s to next week which is next month and all the potential it holds.

kelli

 

 

Perfect Harmony

Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony 
Side by side on my piano keyboard, oh Lord, why don’t we?
We all know that people are the same wherever you go 
There is good and bad in ev’ryone
We learn to live, when we learn to give 
Each other what we need to survive, together alive.
(Ebony & Ivory by Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder)

On November 22nd, my family and I will celebrate our 15 year anniversary this November (actually we are celebrating all year :).  That was the day our family blended together.  For me, our wedding date also marks the anniversary of me learning to live in harmony with my grown woman life.

Instead of a grand wedding, I asked, and my husband bought us a home that we closed on a few weeks after we said our vows.  That house was a pit!  I say that with all the love and wisdom that comes with maturity.  We bought a small home that has only been lived in by one family…for forty years.  Nobody told us people who aren’t handy shouldn’t buy forty-year-old-homes.  For the first few months, we slept in our son’s electric blue room while he and our daughter slept in her Pepto Bismol pink one across the hall.  We quickly began “renovations” that led to us sleeping on the floor of our converted garage for six months.   

Eventually, the pit had a built-in office and a master suite.  There was a paved basketball court in the backyard along with a gazebo and fancy outdoor furniture.  We homeschooled in that house.  Had emotional meltdowns in that house.  We dreamed dreams in that house. Made plans in that house. Celebrated accomplishments in that house.  And ultimately built the foundation that we needed to get us to where we are today.  

The road since that house has been a wild ride.  We have built two new homes.  We have survived serious health issues. Our children are off living their own lives.  We now have two (and one on the way) grandchildren.  My nonprofit career has afforded me amazing opportunities to lead, learn, and travel.  I am sure that it was the pit that gave us the stick-with-it-ness we needed to grow.  

Of course, I write all this from my point of view. 

Last week, for the first time since we moved 11 years ago, I returned to that home with my husband and one of our children.  As we drove through the neighborhood it was pretty cool watching our daughter remember her bus stop and the corner burrito shop.  When we pulled up in front of our once mint-green house the energy in the car crackled a bit.  My daughter’s reaction to how small the house was, how much it seemed the same after all these years, landed smack in the middle of my heart.  

For me, going back to our first house is a reminder of our collective growth.  The four of us put in physical and emotional equity to get to where we are now.  Sitting in my car looking at our first big investment I was reminded that no matter how small the beginning if you do your part, there’s more to come.  In that house, we all had to learn to trust each other; to believe that we could come from hurt and brokenness and find a new place of peace.  This ain’t perfect peace but it’s one that works for us. 

My personal lesson in that first house was how to find harmony, something I never had before. I define harmony as multiple interests coming together to form a pleasing and consistent whole.  Harmony is not unison.  Harmony is purpose so it’s perfect.

For the Jackson’s, harmony has meant learning to accept each other as we are.  Supporting each other’s unique skills, interests, and paths.  It has meant being ok with the sound not always being pretty but enjoying it anyway.

Many women are taught to pursue balance and this notion of everything always lining up equally.  That has never been my life, especially since I’ve been married.  I have had lots of do-overs and let-go’s as I have sought to live my authentic life.  To me, the gift of my marriage has been the freedom to be me.  Letting all my varied ways of being and doing just be Kelli.  Harmony.

In our first house, I learned to embrace the life I had been given and make it mine.  Today I can look back and say: I WOULDN’T CHANGE A THING. In fact, our journey as a family has made me patient.  Persistent.  Resourceful.  Determined.  Grateful.  I’m proud of myself for demystifying ‘balance’  so I could live a harmonious life.

Real talk — this life isn’t always easy but I can honestly say all the notecards, calendaring, spreadsheets and to-lists (my strengths) played a role in getting us from W. 125th to Fannin.  My part plus my husband’s part, plus my kids part, plus our village’s part have too.  I’m humbled and honored to have used my nerdy gifts to help our family grow.  

To my fellow warrior women out there: (How) have you used your personal development skills to help your family attain/maintain harmony?  Let me know in the comments below or online.

kelli

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