Kelli King-Jackson, ACC

Coaching for Black women leading in white spaces.

personal development

Times Like These

I cannot even overstate how crazy 2018 has been both personally and professionally.  In the WORLD.  Things are so nuts I’m reading my horoscope daily.  Wearing my diffuser bracelet 24/7. And sometimes just plain scream as I listen to the news.

This past week was full of people I know and strangers alike disclosing trauma to me.  I was holding space and holding my breath each day, uncertain as to what awaited me.  

Life was a lot every day last week.  

In times like these, the best investment I can make in myself is to divest from other people, places and things. 

#realtalk

So this week I kind of checked out…    

Instead, I talked to my best sisters.  Spent time with all my children and grandchildren.  Went on a date with my husband.  It felt good to prioritize them in my day in some way.  Some days it was just a text.  Other days it was spending an hour on the phone conspiring to take over the world.

I also got back to my podcasts and General Hospital and saw the Netflix original, Nappily Ever After.

In times like these, I cannot do what others need and want me to do. 

In times like these, I have to spend intentional time alone.

In times like these, I need to put my eyes on my people.

In times like these, I need to laugh. 

In times like these, I need to send people to voicemail.

In times like these, I need to sleeeeeeeeeeep.

So, for those looking for the profound this week.  I’ve got nothing.  This week was a week that I am grateful to have survived.  

Here’s to next week which is next month and all the potential it holds.

kelli

 

 

Perfect Harmony

Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony 
Side by side on my piano keyboard, oh Lord, why don’t we?
We all know that people are the same wherever you go 
There is good and bad in ev’ryone
We learn to live, when we learn to give 
Each other what we need to survive, together alive.
(Ebony & Ivory by Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder)

On November 22nd, my family and I will celebrate our 15 year anniversary this November (actually we are celebrating all year :).  That was the day our family blended together.  For me, our wedding date also marks the anniversary of me learning to live in harmony with my grown woman life.

Instead of a grand wedding, I asked, and my husband bought us a home that we closed on a few weeks after we said our vows.  That house was a pit!  I say that with all the love and wisdom that comes with maturity.  We bought a small home that has only been lived in by one family…for forty years.  Nobody told us people who aren’t handy shouldn’t buy forty-year-old-homes.  For the first few months, we slept in our son’s electric blue room while he and our daughter slept in her Pepto Bismol pink one across the hall.  We quickly began “renovations” that led to us sleeping on the floor of our converted garage for six months.   

Eventually, the pit had a built-in office and a master suite.  There was a paved basketball court in the backyard along with a gazebo and fancy outdoor furniture.  We homeschooled in that house.  Had emotional meltdowns in that house.  We dreamed dreams in that house. Made plans in that house. Celebrated accomplishments in that house.  And ultimately built the foundation that we needed to get us to where we are today.  

The road since that house has been a wild ride.  We have built two new homes.  We have survived serious health issues. Our children are off living their own lives.  We now have two (and one on the way) grandchildren.  My nonprofit career has afforded me amazing opportunities to lead, learn, and travel.  I am sure that it was the pit that gave us the stick-with-it-ness we needed to grow.  

Of course, I write all this from my point of view. 

Last week, for the first time since we moved 11 years ago, I returned to that home with my husband and one of our children.  As we drove through the neighborhood it was pretty cool watching our daughter remember her bus stop and the corner burrito shop.  When we pulled up in front of our once mint-green house the energy in the car crackled a bit.  My daughter’s reaction to how small the house was, how much it seemed the same after all these years, landed smack in the middle of my heart.  

For me, going back to our first house is a reminder of our collective growth.  The four of us put in physical and emotional equity to get to where we are now.  Sitting in my car looking at our first big investment I was reminded that no matter how small the beginning if you do your part, there’s more to come.  In that house, we all had to learn to trust each other; to believe that we could come from hurt and brokenness and find a new place of peace.  This ain’t perfect peace but it’s one that works for us. 

My personal lesson in that first house was how to find harmony, something I never had before. I define harmony as multiple interests coming together to form a pleasing and consistent whole.  Harmony is not unison.  Harmony is purpose so it’s perfect.

For the Jackson’s, harmony has meant learning to accept each other as we are.  Supporting each other’s unique skills, interests, and paths.  It has meant being ok with the sound not always being pretty but enjoying it anyway.

Many women are taught to pursue balance and this notion of everything always lining up equally.  That has never been my life, especially since I’ve been married.  I have had lots of do-overs and let-go’s as I have sought to live my authentic life.  To me, the gift of my marriage has been the freedom to be me.  Letting all my varied ways of being and doing just be Kelli.  Harmony.

In our first house, I learned to embrace the life I had been given and make it mine.  Today I can look back and say: I WOULDN’T CHANGE A THING. In fact, our journey as a family has made me patient.  Persistent.  Resourceful.  Determined.  Grateful.  I’m proud of myself for demystifying ‘balance’  so I could live a harmonious life.

Real talk — this life isn’t always easy but I can honestly say all the notecards, calendaring, spreadsheets and to-lists (my strengths) played a role in getting us from W. 125th to Fannin.  My part plus my husband’s part, plus my kids part, plus our village’s part have too.  I’m humbled and honored to have used my nerdy gifts to help our family grow.  

To my fellow warrior women out there: (How) have you used your personal development skills to help your family attain/maintain harmony?  Let me know in the comments below or online.

kelli

Anchor

 

Photo by Ksenia Makagonova on Unsplash

Have you ever been on a boat (of any size) during a storm?  Even when anchored? No bueno!  Listen, I was on a small boat in St. Lucia on a beautiful day and one wave had me hitting the deck.  Water terrifies me because when I look out I see no end.  No land.

No control.

Not having control is one of my greatest shortcomings.  I do not want to be in charge because I think I know everything or because I am power-hungry.  It’s actually the opposite.  For me, being in control is a way to protect myself.  Protecting myself from who/what is much harder to explain. 

As a Black woman, I have spent much of my education and career in predominantly white spaces.  That feeling of not having control of my future was very early on filled with intimidation and fear.  Was I good enough?  Why me?  

As a woman with daddy issues, I have had many relationships with men who could not communicate.  That feeling of not having control of my relationships was very early on filled with fear of abandonment.  Was I good enough?  Why me? 

Do you see the pattern?  I was pervasive in every area of my life.

When I was a child, I understood an anchor to be something to keep things steady; to stop the boat from going into dangerous territory.  As an adult, I know that an anchor is only as good as the rope or chain it is tethered to.  An anchor is no good on its own, though it often gets all the credit for holding things down.  Kind of odd since the anchor must be connected to a material to connect itself to the ocean floor well enough enough to keep the boat from drifting.  

As I think about my word for 2018 I know that I am committed to manifesting a life that is only tethered to people,  institutions, and causes that share my values. I vizualize my life anchor as being tethered to the things I hold dear.  I value honesty, loyalty, service, and empathy.  I am learning that cannot actualize in spaces that do not align with my values.  When I am required to be in relationship with people who do not share the same values, I struggle to trust them to hold me down.

This awareness did not happen overnight.  Neither did the freedom to make such a bold statement.  

I’m growing, y’all!

If you want to more fully lead with your values by aligning your personal and professional development with your purpose I want you to join me.

Over the next few weeks, I will be rolling out some programming for a small group of values-driven women.  The heart of the programming will center on creating safe spaces for women ready to focus on their personal development as they look to deepen their professional goals.  Women in the group will take deep dives surrounded and anchored by an intentional community.  There will also be a (slightly larger) Facebook group and the opportunity for one-on-one coaching.  

If you are a values-driven woman, looking to anchor yourself deeply in a plan for growth, send me an email to be notified when registration opens.  If you’re truly ready to go in the deep waters, I’d love to have you get on our boat.  

Anchors, aweigh!

kelli

Enneagram Life

Because I am a good nerd, I like to spend my birthday alone.  Some years I craft.  Others I read or do a spa day.  This year, my birthday was on a Saturday and my husband surprised me and flew one of my best sisters in from Cali.  Seeing her sweet face made what had been a rough few months 10,000 times lighter.  My husbands timing was perfect because my ‘plans’ had fallen through.  In my head, I had planned to go on a genealogy road trip through the deep south to do some research at local libraries for my special day.  When he shared his plans for my birthday weekend I felt a sigh of relief that I was not in charge of finding something to do to ring in the 4-4.

In the end, things worked out as they always do — just as they should.  I had a great weekend with friends and family.  I got two extra ‘ice days’ off.  Then nearly two weeks after my birthday I enjoyed an Enneagram assessment facilitated by a local Houstonian.

I learned about Enneagram a few years ago but had not done much to pursue it other than reading a few articles.  The few times I had tried to google ‘Enneagram and Houston’ together I had not had much luck.  Most of the workshops that popped up were long past.  Somehow in the midst of the craziness of my family life at the end of 2017, I got a hit.  I found a website of a local facilitator that had an email address.  Within an hour of pressing send, I received a return call and scheduled an appointment.  Life caused both of us to reschedule two different dates but we finally ended up meeting on January 26th.

Persisting to complete my Enneagram assessment was a gift to myself.  Judy says that the Enneagram is what separates me from myself, others and God.  Here are some things I learned about myself in getting my Enneagram assessment:

  1. I am a Type 2 (Giver).  As a Giver my nature is to be caring, helpful, supportive, and relationship-oriented, but I can also be prideful, overly intrusive, and demanding;
  2. I ‘anticipate’ what others need and step in before/regardless of if they ask for help;
  3. It stresses me out to not fill other peoples needs; and
  4. In times of stress I move toward Type 8 (Protector); in times of security, I move toward Type 4 (Romantic).

As with all personality assessments, the results are not exact.  However, what I appreciate about the Enneagram is the spiritual component and the recognition of how our childhoods shape the personalities we present as adults.

I’ll be digging into my Enneagram over the next few years.  If you’ve completed your Enneagram I would love to hear about your results.

kelli