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Perfect Harmony

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Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony 
Side by side on my piano keyboard, oh Lord, why don’t we?
We all know that people are the same wherever you go 
There is good and bad in ev’ryone
We learn to live, when we learn to give 
Each other what we need to survive, together alive.
(Ebony & Ivory by Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder)

On November 22nd, my family and I will celebrate our 15 year anniversary this November (actually we are celebrating all year :).  That was the day our family blended together.  For me, our wedding date also marks the anniversary of me learning to live in harmony with my grown woman life.

Instead of a grand wedding, I asked, and my husband bought us a home that we closed on a few weeks after we said our vows.  That house was a pit!  I say that with all the love and wisdom that comes with maturity.  We bought a small home that has only been lived in by one family…for forty years.  Nobody told us people who aren’t handy shouldn’t buy forty-year-old-homes.  For the first few months, we slept in our son’s electric blue room while he and our daughter slept in her Pepto Bismol pink one across the hall.  We quickly began “renovations” that led to us sleeping on the floor of our converted garage for six months.   

Eventually, the pit had a built-in office and a master suite.  There was a paved basketball court in the backyard along with a gazebo and fancy outdoor furniture.  We homeschooled in that house.  Had emotional meltdowns in that house.  We dreamed dreams in that house. Made plans in that house. Celebrated accomplishments in that house.  And ultimately built the foundation that we needed to get us to where we are today.  

The road since that house has been a wild ride.  We have built two new homes.  We have survived serious health issues. Our children are off living their own lives.  We now have two (and one on the way) grandchildren.  My nonprofit career has afforded me amazing opportunities to lead, learn, and travel.  I am sure that it was the pit that gave us the stick-with-it-ness we needed to grow.  

Of course, I write all this from my point of view. 

Last week, for the first time since we moved 11 years ago, I returned to that home with my husband and one of our children.  As we drove through the neighborhood it was pretty cool watching our daughter remember her bus stop and the corner burrito shop.  When we pulled up in front of our once mint-green house the energy in the car crackled a bit.  My daughter’s reaction to how small the house was, how much it seemed the same after all these years, landed smack in the middle of my heart.  

For me, going back to our first house is a reminder of our collective growth.  The four of us put in physical and emotional equity to get to where we are now.  Sitting in my car looking at our first big investment I was reminded that no matter how small the beginning if you do your part, there’s more to come.  In that house, we all had to learn to trust each other; to believe that we could come from hurt and brokenness and find a new place of peace.  This ain’t perfect peace but it’s one that works for us. 

My personal lesson in that first house was how to find harmony, something I never had before. I define harmony as multiple interests coming together to form a pleasing and consistent whole.  Harmony is not unison.  Harmony is purpose so it’s perfect.

For the Jackson’s, harmony has meant learning to accept each other as we are.  Supporting each other’s unique skills, interests, and paths.  It has meant being ok with the sound not always being pretty but enjoying it anyway.

Many women are taught to pursue balance and this notion of everything always lining up equally.  That has never been my life, especially since I’ve been married.  I have had lots of do-overs and let-go’s as I have sought to live my authentic life.  To me, the gift of my marriage has been the freedom to be me.  Letting all my varied ways of being and doing just be Kelli.  Harmony.

In our first house, I learned to embrace the life I had been given and make it mine.  Today I can look back and say: I WOULDN’T CHANGE A THING. In fact, our journey as a family has made me patient.  Persistent.  Resourceful.  Determined.  Grateful.  I’m proud of myself for demystifying ‘balance’  so I could live a harmonious life.

Real talk — this life isn’t always easy but I can honestly say all the notecards, calendaring, spreadsheets and to-lists (my strengths) played a role in getting us from W. 125th to Fannin.  My part plus my husband’s part, plus my kids part, plus our village’s part have too.  I’m humbled and honored to have used my nerdy gifts to help our family grow.  

To my fellow warrior women out there: (How) have you used your personal development skills to help your family attain/maintain harmony?  Let me know in the comments below or online.

kelli

Chiseled

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My small group is reading Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst.  Several of our group members are familiar with Lysa from her work with Proverbs 31 Woman Ministries.  Lysa is real.  So when you read her book, Lysa is one of those writers where you hear her voice. It’s pretty cool.  It’s not like reading but more like listening to the author tell a story.

This week was pretty powerful.  We read about conviction vs. condemnation.  I call condemnation ‘church girl guilt’ – the proverbial feeling that I’m going to hell for breaking the ‘code’ of my upbringing.

In our discussion this week we got vulnerable.  I was able to share some of my experiences as a mom in a blended family.  A mom whose children have a mom.  A mom who loves and is responsible for the day-to-day upbringing of children who will never call her mom.  Oddly, there is another woman like me in my group.  I call this a God thing – there are more men raising other men’s children than there are women raising other women’s children in my community.

Tonight was the second time in my faith walk that I was able to connect with another woman walking in my shoes.  It was powerful.  As a woman at the beginning stages, I shared the importance of talking with her future spouse and her future children.  I also shared that despite all that my family has been through – despite the chiseling – I WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING.  There is nothing about my life as a wife and mom that I would change.  Yes, I would have loved to have had children naturally. No, I didn’t imagine having children who would never call me ‘Mom’.  Even as I reflected on my journey and the process of being chiseled, I still have the same answer.  I love my life, my husband and my children.  They are part of me in a way outsiders can never understand.  In my time with them, loving them, I have been chiseled into a woman I never would have become without them.

Yes, sometimes I come unglued while dealing with my children, infertility, marriage and the whole shabang.  I don’t always say or do the right thing.  But they still love me.  And the feeling is mutual.  I love and appreciate the life that God has blessed me with.  I appreciate every lesson I’ve learned through my family’s adversities.  God is good that way.  He allows/brings us to these circumstances, and then gives us the strength to thrive and grow and learn.  That’s what it means to be chiseled or shaped into His image.

I hope that even as I’ve come unglued about stuff, circumstances, and experiences, my children and husband know how much they are loved and valued.  I hope I’ve shown my husband and children that even as I carry baggage from my childhood and beyond, these obstacles are not a reflection of their importance to me.  I love them just as they are because of who they are.  NO MATTER WHAT.  My journey of being chiseled into the woman God intended me HAD to include them.  For this I am eternally grateful.

kelli

Just One of Those Days

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Ok.  I’ll admit it.  Parenting teens was WAY more fun than parenting young adults.  I never thought I would ever miss the teen years.  When my husband and I got married he brought a 13-year-old and 11-year-old with him.  As a researcher by trade, I made it my personal mission to read every book on blended families I could find.  I found articles, sermons, any literature that would give me the tools to be a good presence in my children’s lives.  You see our situation was not typical.  My husband had just begun raising the kids on his own right before we got married.  And, my children’s biological mom lived several states away.  I learned very quickly that the books on blended families did not really apply to us.  We were not sharing custody.  It was just us.

So I began my parenting journey in the throes of teenage hormones, moods, mean girls and tough guys, rebelling against the rules and the like.  We went through many ups and downs.  I remember sitting and crying with my children during the middle of a homeschooling session because my son said he missed his mom.  Or the disappointment on my daughter’s face when she missed a call from her mom because we had gone out to dinner.  We weathered storms and learned each other even in the midst of all of this.

Then my children turned 18 and our world flipped.  First, the law decided that we parents had no say in our children’s decision-making.  Then, colleges said we had no say in their education.  Our children began coming home after already having initiated decisions that we knew would have long-term ramifications they could not fully understand.  Unlike the teen years when we could use the ‘I’m the adult’ line, now we had to learn to be much more sophisticated in our parenting.  To say that we have struggled to do this well is an understatement.  Our son is now 22 and our daughter 20.  These past years have felt like starting our parenting journey all over.

It is my prayer that we soon find a rhythm and balance to this young adult parenting journey that allows the four of us to live in harmony.  That we do less talking at each other and engage in more meaningful dialogue.  I hope that my husband and I learn to allow our children to make more decisions on their own and live more fully with the ramifications (good and bad) of their choices.  I also hope that my children, as new adults, will learn to weigh more fully the wisdom that we hold.  If we can all do this well – or better – maybe, just maybe, this young adult journey won’t be so bad.  Until then I will stay the course and pray that God brings us through these young adult years quickly 🙂

 

kelli

Happy Anniversary to Us!

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My family is blended.  Chopped.  Pureed.  Ground.  Whatever you want to call it.  We are a family formed years after a loss – divorce.

We are also a military family.  A family shaped by periods of separation.

Thankfully, we are a family formed by Christ.  His plan for our lives is far greater than any obstacle that we have or will face.  His love is perfect and it perfects us as a family.  His grace is more than enough.

Our purpose is far greater than our pain.  Year seven of our family has been one of great trials but still we have hope!

Since the number seven represents completion then we can look forward to year eight being one of new beginnings.

Happy Anniversary JT, Trey and Shae.  I wouldn’t change a thing.

I love you more than books,

 

kelli