I am part woman, part machine. I had my first surgery at 12, my second at 13 and my last at 19. I’ve had minor procedures since then but nothing like the first three. My early surgeries required 10-12 days in the hospital and several months of recovery. My mom was strategic and planned each one to fall just before a major school break.
Nearly 20 years have passed since the doctors took turns at rebuilding me but I still feel the effects. Especially during this time of the year. Increased moisture in the air and/or sky lead to aches, pains and cracks as I move.
Today was hard. I stretched and drank water and tea all day. After attempting a discrete cat pose in my office I decided to head home to get cozy with my heating pad. That’s where I am now.
Thankfully, once the rain and cold settle in I’m usually fine. Until then I’ll be gentile with myself. I know that eventually this bionic woman will adjust.
Home. This word always evokes strong emotions for/from me. Happy. Sadness. Fear. Distance. Unfamiliarity. Snow. Love. Uncertainty. Difference.
All of these feelings stem from the may living environments I have experienced. I’ve lived with my family, friends, and strangers; small rooms, apartments and houses.
I was born in Oakland, CA and lived there until nearing my 16th birthday when I moved to MA. I stayed in New England until I was in my mid-twenties when I moved to Los Angeles. From LA I moved to Houston, where we live now.
I love Houston. It suites me. More importantly, I love myself. I love learning more about what I love. The places I’ve lived have help me form my place-based identity.
As much as I’ve traveled for me there is no place like home. I like being home with my family. I like knowing that everyone is safe and accounted for. This means that I do not enjoy nor do I thrive when away from home. During these times I miss my bed, my house and my husband. I’m just a nerd like that.
As I wind down night two of a business trip I’m excited about the prospect of heading home. I’m excited to be back on my turf because there’s no place like it!
Sleep and I have a tumultuous love affair going on. Since as long as I can remember I’ve loved to sleep. Falling asleep is easy. Staying asleep is a bit more complicated. When people yell or slam doors I immediately wake up. When my allergies are bad I snore. When I’m stressed I grind my teeth. When I’m worried I wake up in the middle of the night. When too hot or too cold I get restless and wake up. Even with interrupted sleep I will eventually get back into a deep sleep. But sometimes it takes a VERY long time.
Tonight I’m tired so all I want to do is sleep. I stayed up late cleaning last night and did not sleep well once I finally settled down which means tonight I’m going to play catchup. The lights are out and the candles burning. Hopefully I will fall asleep while reading and won’t wake up until tomorrow morning. What do you do to fall (and stay) asleep at night?
Here’s to a good nights sleep.
P.S. Just a few more days until this 31 Day Blog Challenge is over. Let’s just say I’m excited 🙂
I have a long way to go but I’m proud of myself today. I’ve been back and forth to Lowe’s trying to get some projects wrapped up so that I can continue to clear my home office out. I still have several piles of papers to go through but I’m proud to say that things look 60% better today than they did yesterday. After working all day and night I am ready to wrap things up and go to bed. I hope to share some pictures later this week of the changes I’ve made. Your prayers worked because even when I wanted to quit today I kept pushing. Thanks to the hubby who held me accountable to my goal/need to get my office in order.
I have made progress in my home office. But I still have a long way to go — or so it seems. I’ve put in a few hours tonight, drilling, moving and purging. I’ll be back at it tomorrow in hopes of getting closer to the end goal. For the time being, I feel like I’m spinning in circles. Seriously. How can someone who is a Type A about everything let their office get so out of control? If you have the answer please comment below. My analysis is that I avoid things I don’t like/love. I see this in my office…and in real life. It’s something I’m aware of and trying to work on. The reality is that until I deal with my current mess I cannot move forward. This means that each night this week that I’m in town (I will be traveling for work), I need to spend a few hours moving and purging and filing. If I stay committed, I know I will reach the end. Until then, I will be playing this jam to keep me motivated.
Tonight the hubby and I saw the award-winning film, Things Never Said (TNS). TNS was written and directed by Charles Murray, a friend of ours from Los Angeles. As I sat in the theatre watching the film unfold my mind filled with nostalgia for my time in Los Angeles. Grad school with Charles’ wife, Nicole. Folding cloth diapers for one of their daughters. Their house on 61st Street. Eating good food, talking and writing at Simply Wholesome. My introduction to the yoga ball and the ability to heal myself naturally. My friendship with Nicole brought all that to me. Our relationship exposed me to things and experiences that strengthened me.
Charles and Nicole were probably the first hip, young couple with a mature relationship that I knew. They had this relationship that I admired. Two old souls loving each other and building this beautiful life together. I loved how Nicole and Charles encouraged each others dreams. They didn’t belittle or cast doubt on each others potential. I watched them face tremendous heartbreak and overcome. They found a way to keep going and to continue to build this amazing family and network of friends.
In TNS, the storyline of Kal, the main character, unfolded layer by layer. Her family history. Her emotional pain. Her lack of knowledge and confidence in who she was. Her desire to be the good, reliable one. Kal tried to fight back against these obstacles, sometimes in ways that complicated her life.
I could totally relate.
Often it the seemingly self-assured woman who is the most insecure. The self-doubt holds her/us/me back. The self-doubt becomes fear and then she/us/me becomes paralyzed and trapped in a life that has moved away from purpose. Kal’s journey to finding herself was one that all of us must take if we are to ever face that thing deep within us that’s waiting to be unleashed.
I applaud Charles for bringing Kal to life. For weaving the women in his life into this beautifully complicated character. And I thank him for reminding me of the things that have helped shape me into the woman I am. Every heartache and smile has been for a reason greater than I ever could have imagine. Charles, thanks for showing me what dreams can become when you love yourself enough to try.
N.C.M. you are never forgotten.
My small group is reading Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst. Several of our group members are familiar with Lysa from her work with Proverbs 31 Woman Ministries. Lysa is real. So when you read her book, Lysa is one of those writers where you hear her voice. It’s pretty cool. It’s not like reading but more like listening to the author tell a story.
This week was pretty powerful. We read about conviction vs. condemnation. I call condemnation ‘church girl guilt’ – the proverbial feeling that I’m going to hell for breaking the ‘code’ of my upbringing.
In our discussion this week we got vulnerable. I was able to share some of my experiences as a mom in a blended family. A mom whose children have a mom. A mom who loves and is responsible for the day-to-day upbringing of children who will never call her mom. Oddly, there is another woman like me in my group. I call this a God thing – there are more men raising other men’s children than there are women raising other women’s children in my community.
Tonight was the second time in my faith walk that I was able to connect with another woman walking in my shoes. It was powerful. As a woman at the beginning stages, I shared the importance of talking with her future spouse and her future children. I also shared that despite all that my family has been through – despite the chiseling – I WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING. There is nothing about my life as a wife and mom that I would change. Yes, I would have loved to have had children naturally. No, I didn’t imagine having children who would never call me ‘Mom’. Even as I reflected on my journey and the process of being chiseled, I still have the same answer. I love my life, my husband and my children. They are part of me in a way outsiders can never understand. In my time with them, loving them, I have been chiseled into a woman I never would have become without them.
Yes, sometimes I come unglued while dealing with my children, infertility, marriage and the whole shabang. I don’t always say or do the right thing. But they still love me. And the feeling is mutual. I love and appreciate the life that God has blessed me with. I appreciate every lesson I’ve learned through my family’s adversities. God is good that way. He allows/brings us to these circumstances, and then gives us the strength to thrive and grow and learn. That’s what it means to be chiseled or shaped into His image.
I hope that even as I’ve come unglued about stuff, circumstances, and experiences, my children and husband know how much they are loved and valued. I hope I’ve shown my husband and children that even as I carry baggage from my childhood and beyond, these obstacles are not a reflection of their importance to me. I love them just as they are because of who they are. NO MATTER WHAT. My journey of being chiseled into the woman God intended me HAD to include them. For this I am eternally grateful.